It’s been such a long time!

It’s been a long time since my last post here.  I wish I could offer some reasons for that, but ultimately it comes down to a combination of laziness and depression.  Yeah, I used the D word.  A couple of months ago I used the G word, and I hope I didn’t put too many people off.  I also hope the D word doesn’t put too many people off, but it’s a part of who I am.  I’ve accepted that, and it’s very debilitating when I’m in the middle of it.

I have to say one thing though.  D and G don’t go very well together.  When there’s a lot of D in my life, it’s difficult for G to enter.  I block G out.  I block everyone and everything out.  I live in that dark corner of my brain that seems warm and cozy at first, but eventually becomes a prison.  The longer I stay there, the harder it is to escape, and the more I am able to convince myself that I don’t deserve to be anywhere else, and that this is my destiny.

So lets get back to G for a second, because I don’t want anyone to think I’m about to start preaching about the bible, or JC, or really any predefined notion of what G is for that matter.  For me, G is like the Force from Star Wars.  I hope that statement didn’t put anyone off, but if it did, quite frankly, that is your problem.  For me, G is available to me whenever I need it.  G is always there with guidance, direction, purposefulness, leading the way to the most fulfilling life I can possibly have.  Now I did say “like” the Force from Star Wars.  It’s not exactly like that.  In Star Wars, the Force is invisible, seemingly giving people magical powers to overcome their foes, and lead them in the right direction.  But my “Force”, my G, well, my G guides me mostly through the people places and things in my life.

For example.  A few years ago, I was coming home from a Memorial Day Picnic with a few friends.  I had brought my dog with me to the picnic.  Just so you know, I can be very introverted, especially when D is ruling my life.  I knew a couple of neighbors, but not really well, and I was actually uncomfortable when I would see them on the street, and would lower my eyes as we walked past each other.  On this day though, I get out of the car, and I have my dog on the leash.  My neighbor down the street is having a barbeque.  As I’m opening my front the door to my home, my neighbor is calling my name.  I pretend not to hear him and open my door and begin to step inside.  My dog has other ideas however, and pulls away from me, and goes running right over to the barbeque.

Some of you are thinking, well of course.  The dog wanted a hamburger.  To me though, that is beside the point.  To me, that was synchronicity, defined by Carl Jung as two or more events that are seemingly unrelated, but when they are looked at together, they have a very definite, meaningful connection.  Another word for the skeptical is coincidence.  I choose not to see it this way.  The events here were me taking my dog to this Memorial Day picnic.  Arriving home when my neighbor was having a picnic.  So far, not so out there right?  My dog pulling away from me and running over to the neighbor.  Still not so far out there.  It’s the outcome though, and the fourth event which I haven’t talked about yet that puts it over the top for me.  I walked over there to get my dog.  I could have just left, but my neighbor asked me to stay and have a burger.  I could have said no thank you and left.  But something at that very moment was giving me courage.  Something was making it easy for me to stay.  I know what it is now.  It was the humor in the whole situation.  My dog ran over to get some food, which made me both gasp and chuckle at the same time.  When I got over there, my neighbors were warm, and friendly, and my dog was being a goof ball and begging for food.  We laughed.  That was it!  We laughed!  Connection!  To this day, I am friendly with that neighbor, and that event helped me to get to know many of my other neighbors.

Before this event, in another home, I was sitting on my front porch when a neighbor who I was having a quarrel with arrive home.  A few months earlier, I had a few friends over to watch the superbowl.  I only had two parking spaces, and I was using one of them.  So I told one of my friends to park in my neighbor’s space, and we put a note on his car telling her to knock on my door when she got home and we would move the car.  Well, she never saw the note, but instead chewed me out.  I probably deserved it and was lucky his car wasn’t towed.  But on this particular day, she got home, got her 3 year old son out of the car, and went to the trunk of the car.  Her son started asking for a particular toy, and his mother couldn’t find it.  She said, “I don’t know honey, I think it’s gone, I’m sorry.”  This 3 year old kid, for whatever reason, turned to me, threw his arms up in the air as if to ask “Where is it?” and said, “It’s gone!  It’s gone!”, continuing to lower and lift his arms over his head repeatedly.  He wasn’t the least bit upset, he was just being a 3 year old kid.  Of course my reaction was to laugh.  The moment I started laughing, his mother’s eyes met mine, and she smiled, and all of the tension between us evaporated immediately.  She happens to pull up, while I happen to be outside on my porch, and her son happens to ask her for a toy which she can’t find, and then happens to do something that makes me laugh, which causes her to smile at me.  Coincidence.  Come on people!  Synchronicity!

Let’s take a leap of faith for the moment and assume that what you may think of as coincidence is actually G?  Does this mean that if I am paying attention and not so wrapped up in my own life and my own problems, and my own misfortune, and my own D, and I am living amongst the living, that G will present itself, and I will be able to recognize it, and use it in helping me make the right decisions in my life.  I think so.  If you don’t think so, like I said, that is your problem.

So back to D we go.  Sometimes, like I said, it’s really difficult to start the journey out of D when you have completely blocked out G, and have been sitting in that dark prison for a while.  Especially if those around you have been the victims of your wrath while you have been there, because now you not only have to admit that you are where you are because you chose to be there, but you now have to humble yourself and make amends to people as you start the up hill, and rocky journey back to G.  But if you believe what I’m saying here, you are not making this journey alone.  G will guide you, but you’ve got to ask for guidance.  No, I’m not necessarily talking about prayer.  How about simply going to someone you trust, and if you’ve hurt that person, give them a hug, because if they know you well, that may be all they need.  Then tell them you don’t want to be in the prison of D anymore, and you’d be grateful for their assistance climbing out.  Then take it slow, and steady.  Go to anyone else you have harmed, and make amends, or at least try to.  Don’t expect them to be receptive to you, all you can do is try.  Do these things with G in your heart.  G is in that person that was helping you.  G was in my dog that day, and that 3 year old boy.  If you take it slow and steady, G is always there to show you the way.  Don’t ask for gifts, ask for guidance.  And when you get that guidance, ask for the courage to move in G’s direction.

One thing is for sure.  If you are in a good place, and you are able to keep G in your heart, you will undoubtedly run into others who are experiencing the hell of D.  Reach out your hand, so that they may grab a hold, but be careful about doing much more than that.  Let them take your hand, don’t grab them by the collar.  That is a good way to lose some fingers.  If they don’t take your hand, then tell them it is always there. If they do take it, guide them gently, and remember how you felt when you were where they are, because you may be there again someday, and they may be reaching their hand out to assist you.

Tomorrow may never come, so stop feeling sorry for yourself, get off your ass, and ask for help.  And when you are given direction from someone who can be objective, take it!  G will always point you toward the light (no not that light), but it’s up to you to be in a place to see where G is pointing, and it is up to you to start your journey in that direction.

– Larry (Skywalker) Cohen

2 thoughts on “It’s been such a long time!”

  1. Sorry to hear about your D. I happen to suffer from bipolar disorder, so I am very familiar with going through long periods of D. I am also familiar with G, though G for me is the G of the Bible. I hope that your journey takes you to a place that makes you feel complete. 🙂

    1. Thanks for the note. My diagnosis is “Generalized Anxiety Disorder, not otherwise specified” That’s right, I suffer from GADNOS. I’m glad you have a HP in your life that can help you get through the murky waters.

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