Just writing this blog posting and sharing it with the world proves how brave I am. It proves that I’m not a woosy boy, or a girly man, or feminine in any sort of way. Just remember that when you are reading this. Just remember what kind of person would put themselves out there and admit to this before you make judgements, or poke fun, or reply with the inevitable, “This explains a lot Larry!” Just remember that only a true man would put this story out there for the world to see. Only a true manly, man.
A while ago as I was complaining about my back pain recommended that I go to see a holistic doctor that he took an old girlfriend to see. He spoke very highly of the practice, and said that even though they may not be able to help me with my back pain directly, they may be able to help me with my overall health. I figured, what the heck. It couldn’t hurt.
So I’m speaking to this doctor, and she’s asking me all kinds of questions about this and that, and sends me away with a bunch of supplements, and an order for some blood work to check some things that a normal doctor doesn’t generally check for. One of these things was my testosterone level. Now, before I go any further, I want you to know that my actual testosterone level has nothing at all to do with the outcome of this story, and why I decided to publish it for all the world to see. My testosterone level is normal, or as normal as it’s going to be given the pain I fight on a daily basis, and some other things going on in my body. All in all though, it’s perfectly fine.
I got the test results back, and I’m going through them, and I get to testosterone. What was odd was that I didn’t see it being in a normal range. I saw it being several times the highest level that is considered normal. A few of the other numbers were slightly off, but my testosterone was off the charts on the positive end. “Oh my God!”, I thought. “I’m really, really sick! What the heck is wrong with me?” I was going back and forth between thinking that my parents forgot to tell me that I’m actually from the planet Krypton, to feeling very proud to be a man, and feeling sorry for all of the women out there that were missing out on my obviously ultra human abilities. But in all honesty, I was extremely worried. It would be one thing if it was slightly high. But it wasn’t. It was about 7 times the highest level in the normal range.
Thankfully I read the rest of the chart very carefully, and discovered the clerical error. Apparenly, (and this is just a guess as to how it happened), someone saw my first name, which is really Laurence, and only saw the Lauren part. That’s right. According to this chart I am a woman, and all of the ranges on the chart were for that of a woman.
Ok, so now that I’m back to reality feeling a mix between disappointment and relief (I figured it would be something to brag about to both men and women), I needed to figure out what to do about it. So what I did was to go to my coworker who referred me to this doctor and squeeze my “breasts” and ask him if I looked like I had boobs in this shirt. I told him that apparently this wonderful doctor that he referred me to was somehow so confused that she read the results of my test, made comments on it, mailed it to me, and never once made any mention of the fact that my testosterone levels were way outside of the normal range, or that the results indicated that I was a woman which was why the testosterone levels were so outside of the normal range. So when I saw her today, I had to play it up. I asked each of the nurses and clerical people in the reception area (who all knew already what had happened), if they thought I looked like I had boobs in the shirt I was wearing, and had them all in tears as I explained to them that it was a relief to finally know what my problem was. Walking around all of these years thinking I’m a man when I’m actually a woman can have severe psychological effects on a guy, ummm… I mean…. ummm… whatever I am.
I also told the doctor that if I was going to accept the fact that I was a woman, I should probably start taking estrogen because I didn’t think my boobs were big enough, and I wanted to not have to shave anymore. Then I had her in tears as I spurted out lines (no perverts I wasn’t spurting anything else because I can’t now that I’m a woman) from the old Saturday Night Live skit “Pat, the androgenous heterosexual”. Remember that skit. “Hey everyone, I have a date tonight! Really Pat, what’s your date’s name? Terry! Hey everyone, it’s that time of the month again. Really Pat, what time is that? Bills!”
Yes today was fun. Maybe a little bit too fun. I do love to poke fun at myself and this was just too easy. Luckily the lab that took my blood was able to correct the results, and I now have lab results with the correct ranges on them. I’ve asked everyone with a copy of the bad lab results to please destroy them, but I think I’m going to keep my copy just because of the comical effect it will have when I show it to friends and relatives in the future.
So there you have it friends, family and complete strangers. Go ahead, laugh at me, make your comments, and poke fun if you must. Just please, don’t poke my breasts. They are very tender right now and I’ll have to punch you if you try to touch them anyway. Hands off!