Mornings are difficult. It’s not easy to wake up alone. I suppose it’s better than waking up next to the wrong person, but sometimes I wonder. Which is worse, lonliness being with the wrong person? I suppose you could be lonely and be with the wrong person at the same time. Right now for me, I don’t have to worry about that. I just have to worry about getting out of bed, and that’s difficult lately.
I’m not sure when it started. The depression that is. I mean, I’m always depressed to some extent, but these days I’m on the verge of tears much of the time. Plus I just feel sick, run down, stomach ache, nauseous, almost all of the time. Having a bad back and having to take chronic meds for that probably doesn’t help. But where has all of my energy gone? I just want to sleep. Having a job is a good thing, but I don’t want to go to work. I don’t like being there. I feel even sicker when I’m there. I’m almost never hungry, but I force food down because I know I have to. Yeah, full blown depression I guess.
The mornings are the worst. I know I’ll feel better in the evening. I know I’ll feel better after work, when I can relax a little bit. But right now my stomach is in a knot, and I feel like throwing up. I suppose I could pray. In fact I think I will as soon as I’m done writing this. Writing is a form of meditation for me, so maybe that’s what I needed to do this morning. I needed to write this down and share it, and the answer has come that I need to pray. I’m not a religious person by any means, but I don’t have to be to have a relationship with God. If God is perfect, why would he care what religion I practice if any? Yeah, I think I’ll pray. Just for a minute before I go to work. Maybe that will help get me through the day, maybe not. It certainly can’t hurt.
I used to read this book of motivational thoughts every morning. I stopped reading it a while back, but a few days ago I picked it back up again. The thought for today is one day at a time. It’s about setting a small goal, and accomplishing that goal, and feeling good at the end of the day that I’ve accomplished it. Today I’ve already accomplished a small goal. I’ve written this down, and shared it, and believe it or not between the time I typed “Mornings” and now, I’ve somehow typed myself into a whole different attitude. I feel better. So maybe the prayer I’ll say is “Thanks!” Obviously something gave me the motivation to write this, and to accomplish this small goal before I left for work this morning. And I feel better. So thanks! Whether it was God or something else. Thanks!